Are You Willing To Believe?
Ice Breaker Speech given at Golden Gate Toastmasters by Amber Dawn
The sunlight was shimmering through the towering redwoods like fairy dust. I was breathing in the scent of the redwood forest, perched on my dad’s shoulders, my little hands in his hair. My dad’s friend stood next to us, chit chatting with my dad as we walked. We were looking for fairies. Well, *I* was looking for fairies.
It was frustrating hanging out with grownups. They often called me shy, quiet, thoughtful, a deep thinker, a day dreamer, a goodie two shoes, a perfectionist. What they didn’t see was my emotions were all consuming three dimensional landscapes larger than this forest. I knew when the rain was coming before anyone else did. I could hear deer whistles screech and the lights in Costco humming. Touching muddy things meant I would die. I was heartbroken when people broke promises, and I did everything in my power to keep mine. I knew to be careful of Fae contracts!
Sitting on my dad’s shoulders that day in the woods, with golden fairy dust in the air, I felt a glimmer of hope. I decided to take a chance on this new adult who was my dad’s friend. I turned and asked him, “Do you believe in fairies?”
He furrowed his brow and thought carefully. He looked up at me, “Well, I’m willing to believe.” And in that moment I finally didn’t feel alone. My body relaxed into wonderment. He didn’t dismiss me out of hand. He didn’t say “Well, I’ve never seen one.” This was so different, I remember this moment decades later. Unlike most adults who had invalidated me, shrugged me off, or flat out rejected the idea, finally, I had found an adult who was willing to accept that something might be true even if it was outside of his own experience. That day we searched for fairies in the forest, TOGETHER.
It wasn’t until over thirty years later, I fully understood WHY this moment is still vivid in my memory. As a child, I knew deep in my soul that I wasn’t like other people. My experiences were so far from their experiences and what they believed was possible. No one else seemed to understand that clearly this could all be happening, only if fairies were real, and I was part fairy… because otherwise I felt like a pretty broken human being.
My entire life I have experienced things differently. The sensory experience of soft touch - the reassuring kind most of you would find soothing. It makes me more nauseous than a boat ride on a choppy sea. I’ve had friends, family, medical experts, and mental health experts all tell me in one way or another that “this is all in my head.” There wasn’t a rational explanation anyone I encountered had for my experience. For over thirty years, no one was willing to actually believe my body responds to touch differently than theirs.
Not being believed, was the core experience I had as an undiagnosed autistic girl. Now I know I’m not broken. My nervous system is running a different operating system and my neurological and sensory experiences are processed differently than other peoples. I joined toastmasters and am speaking with you today to share my experiences. I’m here to tell you that your experiences of the world might be starkly different from someone else's. And all you need to do in order to start connecting with people who are different from you, is to stay open to possibility. Instead of dismissing someone outright - maybe take a moment to consider… Are you willing to believe?
Are you willing to believe an autistic person’s experience? Are you willing to believe rain hurts? Are you willing to believe a person can hear the lights hum? Are you willing to believe someone can better hear what you’re saying when they don’t make eye contact?
Are you willing to believe my operating system processes the world differently from yours? Because if you’re willing to believe, if you’re willing to acknowledge different experiences are possible, then maybe all of us will feel less alone, and we can share in the delight of looking for fairies in the forest together.